Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Answers filled with questions

Why is my life filled with questions I don't know the answers to? And why are the few answers I have filled with more questions?

Do you like your job?
Are you moving back to Oklahoma?
Are you staying in Florida?
What are you going to do with your degree?
Are you going to graduate school?
Do you want to work at Disney longer?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Scratch that, Where do you see yourself in 5 months?
What do you want do in this world?
Where are you going to apply for jobs?

I lied before. I have an answer to every single one of those questions. And it's the same one.

I. Don't. Know.

I'm tired of not knowing. It's not like I haven't thought about it. I've thought about my future obsessively. It's just that I can't decide what I want at all. It's awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Today I want to be in Oklahoma so badly and not come back to Florida ever. I love being surrounded by people who love me and understand me completely. Not that some people here don't understand me. It's just a different feeling. A different comfort level. I miss our sleepovers. I miss just climbing into someone's bed and talking about all our problems until it seemed like they didn't matter anymore. Maybe I should just move home in May and deal with everything else then. But I'm afraid of getting stuck. I didn't go to college to get stuck. I don't know really what I went there for, but I know it was to go somewhere. To not stay home with mommy. I feel like my life is passing me by. How do I get back on track? See! Another question! UGH!

"I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world"
"A Place in This World" - Taylor Swift

Why can't every day be like this day?
or this one?


  1. i know its hard to decide. especially if you dont want to feel stuck. thats why part of me doesnt want to allow myself to think guys arent assholes. i dont want to find someone and then have a reason to be stuck in oklahoma. especially when you may stay somewhere else!

    however, i do know that me, you and brad living together is still away from mommy. she is just closer by.

    i know youre amazing and will succeed at whatever you decide to do! and i do think you will be able to find a job here.

    regardless, i want you back here! if you could be here tomorrow, even better!

    love you!

  2. it is a crazy decision... but i think what makes it easier is knowing that its not permanent. its like shopping - try on some outfits (or jobs or places to live, etc) until you find one you want to keep for a while.

    and don't be afraid to be stuck as long as your stuck with people you love. i think that's the most important thing in life and its worth being stuck for.

    or you could always come to new york!! :)

  3. *you're - i knew you'd notice it.

  4. i think this post sums up about 90% of everyone our age haha. i am struggling with it too, i'm just farther away. we will all figure it out, and i think laura is right - it is like shopping, if we want it to be. we can only get stuck somewhere if we allow that to happen....we are still in charge of our own lives! it's just finding the starting point that's hard. you just gotta pick a place and start. i love you!

  5. I agree with Laura! Being "stuck" with people you love and want to be with is more like... what's the word?...Being happy!
    I know I have not lived in OK my entire life and I have no idea if I plan to for the rest of it, but for right now I am happy and enjoying myself and as soon as I am not maybe I will leave. I love the OK! But maybe that's mainly because I am surrounded by great people (well, maybe not the neighbors!) Hope you at least find happy even if it is not a "decision".

  6. i like the last sentence of laura's posts (plural) haha. don't worry so much, cause when i have to run from the government/citibank/whoever else i'll owe money for school, you can tag along

  7. i feel ya....ugh. i miss you bunches and bunches!