Monday, June 15, 2009

I'm goin' back to the start

I've been in an odd mood for the last couple hours.  Lethargic and cranky.  Sad and mad.  I've just been in my room alone for about 3 hours listening to music, thinking, reminiscing and watching TV, but not really taking in what I'm seeing. A new episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 couldn't even pick me up.  I can't even remember one cute thing one of those sweet babies said.  I think a big part of the problem is that a growing part of me doesn't really want to go to Florida anymore.  Every day I'm a little less excited to go.  Maybe it's because I work in retail now and I really don't want to work 50 hours a week in a store for 5 months, even if it is a Disney store.  I'm tired of dealing with customers and cleaning up their messes and doing the same thing over and over every day.  And it'll just be that much worse not having my friends and family there when I'm not at work.  I know I'll make friends, but it won't be the same.  Hopefully this feeling will go away soon.  Because if I don't go then I literally have nothing else to do and that's terrifying.  Maybe it's because people keep asking me what I'm going to do now that I've graduated.  And all I can ever say is "I don't know."  That's the hardest part.  I really don't know what I want to do.  At all.  I'm afraid that one day I'll be 30 and suddenly I'll just be working at some store full time and hating my job and wondering what happened and how I got there and how to move forward.

I had the most amazing weekend with all of you.  Which is probably what sparked some of these feelings.  I'm sad that it'll never be the same again ever.  I always have such a hard time accepting change and I think that maybe I'm only now starting to realize how much will change. I won't rehash the weekend since I've read about it already on your blogs.  I loved reading about our adventures.  You know what happened.  You know I had fun.  You know I loved every second - even though I didn't want to wear a dress.  

Sorry to write such a somber post, but I just didn't want to write something that wasn't in the sprit of how I'm feeling right now because it wouldn't be genuine.  

I went on some adventures with Alex today and it was lovely.  Now I'm listening to "The Scientist" on repeat and being sad again and not listening to Brad's cheer up advice.  I do appreciate it though, Brad!  I just feel like it's ok to be sad sometimes.  Maybe it's even good for you.  Maybe I should just get it all out now.  Or at least some of it.

"Nobody said it was easy, 

Oh it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard"

-Coldplay, "The Scientist" 

“Life doesn't always turn out to be your fantasy. That's why you need friendships that are real to get you through it.”

 - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City


  1. i know its hard Callie ...and I too hate uncertain futures. BUT whether you see it now or not, you will LOVE Disney (its like who you are!) and I'm excited to hear all about it.

    And I'm excited to be your friend forever, even if it won't be the same (sadness) it will still be wonderful (happy)!

    but i agree, its good to be sad and deal with your emotions... as long as you realize that its not "the end" and that even though you don't know what you'll be "doing" you'll find your way!!

  2. ya, i agree with laura that it's good and healthy to be sad sometimes and deal with your emotions. but at the same time, i think there is a difference in dealing with your emotions and being sad all day and sitting alone just dwelling on things you can't change. instead, you should be sad, get it out, deal with it, and then move on to better thoughts. Like how we're all going to keep in touch, even while you make amazing new friends that'll you love as much as you love us.

    i love you and it'll all be ok! you'll have an amazing time at disney, and once you get there and get into it, you'll realize that too

  3. I love love lovey you too and sometimes the only choice in life we have is our outlook and attitude. Disney will be as much fun as you want it to be.

  4. i completely understand how you feel. im really scared of this next year, but my rainbow is approaching! faster than i thought it would! i know the same thing will happen for you. we have all summer to work on it and i know you will have an amazing time when you leave! i cant wait to hear all the crazy stories you will have! and dont deny it, you told us yourself how crazy college disney ppl are.....haha!!!!!! love you!

  5. love you :) i'm sorry you're sad but like everyone else said....i think disney will be awesome and you will meet a lot of cool people that all like the same thing(s) you do! change is scary. but it's also exciting!